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Joel Lurie Grishaver
TURNING YOUR CHILD INTO A MENSCH is a family affair. The first thing it takes is parents who are honestly willing to struggle with their own mensch-i-ness and who invite their children to join them in their quest.
Elie Wiesel tells the story of a Jewish boy who asks his rebbe, "What is a good Jew?" The rebbe then says, "Do you think you are a good Jew?" When the boy answers, "I don’t know," the rebbe responds, "I think that good Jews are people, who when asked if they are good Jews, answer, ‘We don’t know.’" Menschlekite starts with insecurity. Being a mensch takes insight and skill. To be a mensch, you have to go to M.I.T. You constantly have to be a ‘Mensch-In-Training.’
Begin
your training by developing a list of midot tovot—good qualities
by which a mensch is measured. Here are a few examples:
1. Shalom Bayit: maintaining family peace
2. Talmud Torah: emphasizing Jewish learning
3. Gemilut Hasadim: performing acts of kindness to help others
4. Rodef Shalom: being a pursuer of peace
5. Tzedakah: contributing funds to others
6. Kibud Av va’Em: honoring one’s parents
7. K’vod ha-Briyot: respecting and showing kindness to all creation
8. Bal Tashchit: respecting the environment—not wasting
9. Lashon Hara: avoiding hurtful language or gossip
10. T’fillah: making time for prayer and reflection
PARTICIPATE in systematic acts of kindness. Although is it fashionable right now to encourage people to practice "random acts of kindness," consistent acts of kindness are the stuff mensches are made of. Mensches are people who are kind when they feel like, and even when they don’t. Regular involvement in Tikkun Olam—actions which help to repair and redeem the world—is a great foundation for families. Here are a few suggestions:
• Make a ritual out of giving tzedakah before lighting the Shabbat candles every week.
•
Learn about the unique Jewish tzedakah practice for each Jewish
holiday. For example, on Purim, it’s matanot l’evyonim—gifts
of food to the poor.
• Create a family tikkun olam ritual. It could be weekly, monthly, annually, but something your family chooses to do. I know some families who skip dinner once a week, and use the money to feed others. Other families spend Yom Kippur afternoon working in a soup kitchen.
BECOME an active member of a caring community. The more you are part of a circle of people who actively practice mutual care, the more mensch-i-ness will be actualized by you and your children. Such a community may not readily be available; you may have to take responsibility to create or transform it.
When I was a teacher at Akiva Schechter Day School in Chicago, Millie, the beloved school secretary’s father died. Much to my surprise, Rabbi Harvey Well, the school principal, brought the entire fifth grade to her house. He said, "They have to learn how to show compassion." I asked him how they knew how to be compassionate. Harvey said, "We practiced before we went."
When children are part of a family who regularly make shiva calls, part of a group who visit each other when one is sick or in the hospital, make calls of congratulations or concern, and take care of each other, they learn an important lesson. They learn that they are part of wonderful network of people and that when something goes wrong or right, someone will be there.
EXERCISE
empathy. Reading biblical tales with your children is a wonderful
way of developing your family’s skills in understanding other people’s
feelings and actions.
The Torah gives us the opportunity to embroider its stories with all kinds of personalizations. In the process of figuring out the story behind the biblical story, we practice our empathetic skills. As you read the stories, ask your children, "What do you think the biblical character is feeling? What do you think this character will do next?"
MODEL
times for saying "I’m sorry," and encourage children to
feel safe admitting when they’ve just blown it, too.
SAY the Shema with your child every night at bedtime—a great way to build self-esteem and inner security. It does so because of the special attention parents are giving each child. It does so because of the conversations it allows. And it does so because it makes God a living possibility in your child’s life.
MAKE menschy responses when your children have done something wrong. Forget the notion of punishment. Replace it with ways that your kids get to make restitution and do t’shuvah—the Jewish concept of repentance.
HELP your kids evolve into menschim. Remember that children are not born menschim—they are still human "becomings." Kids can be selfish, violent, heroic, thoughtless—and they can demonstrate moments of menschlekite. They can manifest great hearts and wondrous acts of selflessness.
Adapted from "10 Things Which Tend to Turn Kids into Mensches" by Joel Lurie Grishaver, ŠTorah Aura Productions. Call Making Connections for a copy of the compete article or for information about the book, 40 Things You Can Do To Save the Jewish People, by Joel Grishaver.
Rabbi Patrice Heller
AS PARENTS WE ARE THE MOST significant influence upon our childrens’ attitudes and feelings about being Jewish. Children observe parents closely. What do they see and hear? Children will notice and imitate parents’ attitudes about Judaism and their Jewish behaviors—no matter how conscious we are of what we do and say. The first step we need to take in the process of raising Jewish children is figuring out what it is about Jewish life and community that is important to us.
So how do we begin this process of discovery?
Taking
inventory
One good place to start is examining and filtering through our own Jewish memories and experiences. Are there memories that elicit strong reactions or yearnings? Which feelings, rituals, customs and foods would you like recreate or avoid?
What Jewish memories, family traditions and legacies do you want to pass on? Which ones would you like to change? Exploring these questions can lead to greater understanding about our past Jewish experience and setting a future course for our families.
On
a personal level, my experiences as a woman and Reform rabbi have shaped
my ideas about equal participation and involvement for men and women in
religious observance. I also use gender-neutral language when talking
about God. Clarifying our values within the context of Jewish wisdom can
provide personal spiritual meaning and connection with the Jewish community.
Going back to "school"
To make meaning of our Jewish heritage in our daily lives, we need some basic knowledge. For many parents, Jewish learning began and ended with Hebrew school. Given the richness, breadth and complexity of Jewish knowledge, learning about Judaism as adults is immensely rewarding because we have the intellectual sophistication and life experience to appreciate our heritage. Adult education programs are available at synagogues, community centers, universities and museums. But parents also learn with their children. Family education opportunities abound. Participating in synagogue holiday celebrations and reading Jewish stories let families learn and "grow" their knowledge and appreciation of Judaism together.
Finding
your Jewish niche
As families learn
about and practice various rituals and traditions, they develop a comfort
level and a sense of authenticity about their experiences. Most importantly,
each family will find its place on the continuum of Jewish observance,
a niche that may change along with the family.
Recognizing diversity
Every family needs to embark upon its own journey in its own way. Jewish couples may try to integrate their different Jewish experiences and expectations into a mutual vision, while intermarried parents negotiate their faith traditions and ethnic backgrounds to create a comfortable Jewish experience. Single parents may seek a community in which to build a family of friends if their extended family does not live nearby.
In finding value in our Jewish heritage, we affirm to our children that Judaism is an important way to make sense of our lives. When we struggle, think, experiment, rework and create traditions in the process of our Jewish journey, we demonstrate that being Jewish is a dynamic, involving experience.
We can take it one step at a time and invite our children to share in the journey.
On Friday evenings, as my family lights the Sabbath candles, we blend the traditional blessings with our own continually changing interpretations. We want to teach that both the traditions and our personal meaning-making are special. Most importantly, we hope that together they create a powerful and beautiful Jewish experience, just like the two candles burning brightly, gracing our Shabbat table, and our lives.
Rabbi Patrice Heller, Ph.D., is a practicing psychologist and a rabbi in the Philadelphia community.
D'vorah Horn-Greenberg
CHILDREN ARE ENDOWED WITH A natural sense of wonder. By creating opportunities for children to participate in Jewish life, we can capture each stage of their wonder, while they absorb the deeper meaning behind the rituals, celebrations and life lessons of Judaism.
Bringing Judaism to your child through rituals does not mean you must dramatically alter your lifestyle. It does require looking into the meaning behind Jewish celebrations and imparting what you learn to your child in an age-appropriate manner.
The magic of rituals
Preschoolers
experience many phases of development—beginning as concrete learners,
looking for order to structure and organize their world, and driven with
a desire to achieve independence. For young children, the world is filled
of miracles, and they find miracles in everyday rituals. Try lighting
holiday or Shabbat candles in your home and watch the eyes of your children
when the Shabbat candles are lit. Children need not be told that the candles
are holy; they are already tapped into the holiness that is reflected
in the candles. For the child, the very existence of the flame is a miracle.
Revisiting holidays
Holidays have traditionally been safe places for families to begin including ritual and celebration in their lives. For example, Hanukkah’s menorah, dreidles, latkes (potato pancakes) and chocolate gelt (money) may be familiar to many families. How can we go beyond these symbols to convey the lessons of this holiday?
The
miracle of unity
One of the real miracles of Hanukkah is the miracle of unity. In the story of Hanukkah, the Syrians took over Jerusalem and severely limited Jewish life. The Israelites defeated the Syrians against great odds.
Consider the following with your children:
• Try talking to your children about how it feels when a big brother or sister can do something they cannot. Play tug of war with an older child and win. The invite all the children to join in against you and let them win. This allows your child to experience that alone we are weak, but united we can be strong.
• Demonstrate the miracle of unity in a very concrete way with a weaving project. Fold a piece of construction paper in half and make cuts along the fold, almost to the open end. Open the page and show your child how weak the paper is by pulling and tearing it. Now make another but this time, weave strips of paper through the cuts. Try tearing it, now it is strong. The young child, as a concrete learner, will absorb the meaning of strength in unity through first-hand experience.
The miracle of rededication
Another miracle of Hanukkah is the miracle of rededication. After the Syrians took the Temple and desecrated it, the Israelites gained it back. The Temple was a special place the Israelites felt safe in—a sanctuary. Ask your children where they feel safe? Ask them what they need. All people need food, clothing, shelter from the elements, and love; without them they cannot be happy.
•
Make little sanctuaries for a favorite doll or character. Have a "Hanukkah"
(literally meaning dedication) for this special sanctuary for their toys.
What does your child think should be included in this "dedication?"
Coins were used in years past to celebrate Hanukkah, now we have chocolate
coins and presents. All of these are way we celebrate getting back to
our sanctuary—our safe place.
The miracle of light
The final miracle of Hanukkah is the miracle of light in the midst of darkness. Lighting the Hanukkah candles is an act of sheer delight. The same is true on Shabbat and other holidays. Flame is a miracle to the young child and its very existence is what you can tap into with your child. Talk about the winter, the darkness and the cold with your children. Turn off the lights and ask them how the Israelites felt without the warm light of the Temple fire when the Syrians took it away so long ago.
Everyday
choices
Every day you make choices with and for your children—what to wear, what to eat, how to treat friends. These everyday decisions and actions can help to create a Jewish context for your child’s life.
Volunteering time to an organization or project is gemilut hasadim—an act of lovingkindness. Writing a get-well card and establishing the ritual (and explaining why) of setting aside a portion of birthday money or allowance for tzedakah (charity), and teaching the Jewish value of sh’mor hagoof (caring for yourself)—all of these are acts of great importance in building the moral character of your child. They are also very Jewish.
Using the celebrations, rituals and traditions of Judaism to teach life’s values to our children is like spreading a magnificent tablecloth over the dinner table. The table still serves the same purpose, but the experience of the meal is greatly enhanced by the beauty of the cloth.
D’vorah Horn-Greenberg is Founder and Director of Child-Centered Programs, Inc., Bayt Yeladeem: Childrens’ House, Abington, Pennsylvania.
Our names are a key to who we are. They distinguish us from other people. Names have always been seen as a reflection of one’s character and reflect characteristics which we hope our children will embody as they grow.
In addition to an "English" name, Jews traditionally have a "Hebrew" name, which connects us to the past, present and future of Jewish tradition. Jewish naming customs often relate to a family’s country of origin. Jews from Eastern Europe (Ashkenazic) traditionally name a child after a relative no longer alive while Sephardic Jews (from Mediterranean or Arab countries) name after a living relative.
Learn more about your names by filling in the information below. You can cut and paste it into your word processor and then print a copy for each child. (These forms can be helpful when choosing a name for a new child.)
Who were you named after and what does your name mean?
______________________________________________________
My English name is _______________________________________
I was named after ________________________________________
My Hebrew name is ______________________________________
I was named after ________________________________________
My parents chose my name because __________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Looking for help choosing a name or making a family tree? Try The Name Dictionary: Modern English and Hebrew Names, Alfred J. Kolatch, Jonathan David Publisher; The New Jewish Baby Book, Anita Diamant, Quality Paperback Original; The Second Jewish Catalogue, Sharon Strassfeld and Michael Strassfeld, Jewish Publication Society, or contact MAKING CONNECTIONS 215-635-2202 or connections@chsweb.org